This is Me Not being Me
by Runs with Werewolfs
Summary: Kenlos. "So this is me swallowing my pride, Carlos. This is me telling you I was stupid and I can't live without you. This me saying I'm sorry. This is me asking for one more chance. This is me not being me" slightly based off the song Back to December


_**A/N: Okay, so first off, just to let you know, the SuperTarget in where I live, has a Grocery Store and a Starbucks in it…So don't be like "What kinda Target are you dreaming up" because I'm basing it off the Target I most often go to…so there….my Target is better than the mall and much more convienient to get to, and no one goes there….(cuz they're all at the mall)…Mall's give me super crazy panic attacks…sooo yeah…**_

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**This is Me not Being Me**

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Carlos followed Logan through Target, trying to ignore all the glances he got from people. Some days, it felt like everyone knew that after a year, Carlos's heart was still broken. Kendall had been everything to Carlos, and then he had just up and left. Kendall had known that Carlos needed Kendall, known that Carlos adored-no, hero worshipped- everything about Kendall. And yet, without a warning, he had just up and left, without a word except "It's over"

Logan stopped at the grocery store section, going through the sweets until he came up with a certain type of cookie. Carlos looked at him quizzically, until Logan shrugged. "James loves these things" Logan explained, smiling.

"Logan, I think you're a little too obsessed with James" Carlos teased his best friend, poking his shoulder. "But that's okay, because you're totally in love with each other and he's good to you. He'd never leave you high and dry"

"Dude, what is with all your weird expressions lately? I think you've spent too much time with Camille" Logan sighed. "You're acting crazy"

"Hey, you try loosing the love of your life to some other guy. It's traumatic. I'm grieving"

"Carlos, it's been two years" Logan pointed out. "You were only 21 back then and now you're almost 23. It's been a long time since Kendall made his stupid mistake. You still won't answer his calls or accept him on Facebook and when he follows you on Twitter, you block him. He wants things back to how they were when we were 15. Best friend forever. Not James and Logan being forced to choose between our two best friends because one of them can't get over the other one. Carlos, just talk to him. He's matured, and he wants to explain what happened." Logan said softy. "He still cares"

Carlos scoffed. "Yeah, well, he has a funny way of showing. I'm just fucking fine without Kendall Stupid Knight in my life now and I'm gonna-oh god, you planned this Logan!" Carlos dove behind Logan as James and Kendall walked into Target, laughing about something. "What the heck is he doing here?" Carlos whined.

Logan rolled his eyes "You sound like a 3rd grader. If I wanted to deal with kids, I'd have some. Come on, be a man Carlos, you can face Kendall. If he does anything stupid, James will be the first to kick his ass into the next millennium, where I will be waiting to kick it into oblivion"

Carlos whimpered. "But-but-he broke my heart, Logie!"

"Don't use that nickname on me, it won't work. Come on, we are going to go see Kendall and James. Just the four of us, like old times." Logan urged. "Please, Carlos, don't be a baby about this. You've to talk to your ex sometime. I talk to Camille, James talks to Rachel."

"That's different. Camille didn't rip your heart out, stomp on it, then run it over with a steam roller and give it back!" Carlos protested, folding his arms. "I'm not going over there to have my heart further damaged, Logan. What kind of genius are you?" Carlos spat.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Carlos, it's been two years. You can't live life in fear of what someone might do. Kendall was immature back then, but so were you. You need to talk to him, because honestly, I know you. And you're a person who needs closure. You can't get that if you won't even look Kendall in the eye, much less talk to him"

"I don't want to talk to him"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Well, you are talking to him, let's go" and with that, Logan began dragging the panicking Latino across the Super Target, finally arriving in the Starbucks and shoving him into a seat before cornering him in, pressing him against the wall. Kendall and James turned around from the counter, and James muttered something to Kendall, who vaguely nodded, eyes wide as he stared at Carlos, slightly shocked, and maybe with a hint of pained desire flashing in his eyes before he turned to James again.

"Sorry, what?" Kendall asked, blinking rapidly.

James shook his head and rolled his eyes. "God, Kendall, my husband just walked in, and you're the one who gets lost in lalaland. I said, you can go sit down, I know what you want. You should talk to him before he escapes" James said, pushing Kendall towards the table that the struggling Carlos and a laughing Logan were sitting at.

Kendall dropped down into the chair across from Carlos, watching as he slammed his chair back when Logan let up a little bit and fell backwards, but Logan managed to keep him from actually falling. Logan moved himself so he was slightly behind Carlos, so Carlos had no chance of escape without nearly killing Logan and thus facing an angry James and hot coffee.

Kendall raised an eyebrow. Carlos realized with slight relief that Kendall's eyebrows were ever as thick and bushy and caterpillar-like as ever. "You okay, estimido uno?" Kendall asked softly, biting his lip and groaning as the last two words slipped out. Logan winced and watched apprehensively.

Carlos's face darkened at the use of the old nickname, a joke from a tour in spain. He shook his head angrily. "I'm fine, cejas grandes. Real Nice, Kendall, you're so mature" He barked. "Logan, let me out of here, I'm not doing this." He said angrily. "LOGAN!"

Logan slid to this side, letting Carlos stand up and storm out. Kendall stood up to follow him, but James came over, grabbing his arms. "Kendall, let it go" James said, shaking his head. "He can't leave, Logan drove and you know how lazy he is, he's not gonna walk. He'll come back eventually"

Kendall shook his head. "I didn't mean to say that, use his pet name against him. It just-I went back to a year and a half ago when everything was normal and-God, I'm stupid!" he groaned. "It just slipped out"

Logan nodded. "I know. He's over reacting. He hasn't ever forgiven you, Kendall."

"I know. I never thought Carlos would be filled with so much hate, but there it was. It was unnerving, the hate in his eyes." Kendall sat down again. "I feel like the world's biggest idiot" he sighed. "I do anything to replay that moment again. I was just worried that he got hurt and it slipped out." He shook his head. "That was so stupid"

James nodded. "Yeah it was. Where did that nickname come from anyways?"

Kendall smiled softly. "When we went to Spain, this crazed fan broke into my room and called me that. Carlos kind of thought I was cheating, but I told him that he was my estimido uno, not her. God, we were like 16 back then."

"What does it mean? I took Latin with Logan"

"It means dear one, according to Carlos's grandma." Kendall sighed. "I feel like the world's biggest asshole. The last time I called him that was the last time we-did things. The night before I left."

Logan sighed. "He'll come around. Your reaction was so horrified after you called him that, he probably thought you were horrified at the nickname itself, and at him, not that you slipped up" Logan mused. "I swear, that face was priceless, though." He smiled.

Kendall reached across the table, smacking Logan in the shoulder. "That's not funny, I just broke Carlos's heart even more."

James bit his lip and looked at his former bandmate. "Maybe, Kendall, you should just forget about him. Move on. He won't, I don't think he ever will fully heal, because he won't get closure he needs. But you, Kendall, you aren't a person who needs closure. You can walk away and never look back, you're good at that. Carlos is an emotional being, you're not."

Kendall shook his head yet again. "I wish I could, James. But I can't. I've tried for a year and a half, because I thought I wanted freedom. To be a perpetual bachelor. Like I was sure you would end up being. But It's nothing but wishing he was there. Every person I've been with since then- it's not the same. It's never been anywhere near to how I felt with or about Carlos. He's the one thing I want and the one thing I might never have."

Logan sighed. "Then go after him. Tell him that." He said. "He probably went to the frozen yogurt place down the street, he has a thing for it still"

Kendall nodded. "Would've been the first place I would have looked." He said, standing up.

James pulled him into a bear hug. "Go get him, Kendall. But break his heart again and I'll hit you so hard, your head will still be spinning next year." James said. "and I just bought a gun, so that could come into play." He warned. Kendall rolled his eyes and walked off.

* * *

Kendall found Carlos sitting at the Frozen Yogurt place, just like Logan had assumed, angrily stabbing a peanut butter cup with his spoon. He didn't look up until Kendall sat down. "What?" he barked, moving to stand up. Kendall reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Stay. Please." Kendall requested. "Give me 45 minutes. That's all I want. And then you never have to see me again if you don't want to. I won't chase you anymore."

Carlos sighed. "Fine" he sat down "What did you want to say?"

"How have you been?" Kendall asked, smiling softly. He surveyed the darker man, taking in the dark circles under his eyes, and the way he looked like he might drop. "Have you been good?" Carlos's lips were pursed, but he still responded.

"I've been okay, other than the panic attacks and that I can't sleep well" Carlos admitted. He could tell be the way Kendall was studying him that he knew that Carlos had lost a ton of sleep. "Uh-how have you been?"

"I have a 2 month old daughter. Marisa" Kendall admitted. "I kind of did some stupid things. But I've straightened myself out now. Stopped sleeping around, partying."

"Logan told me you were in rehab for a month" Carlos said. He'd nearly gone into cardiac arrest when Logan had mentioned that over dinner one night.

"I got involved in some things that would make your dad pass out." Kendall admitted. "Did some things here and there, mostly weed. After I found out that Marisa's mom was pregnant, 6 months ago, I straightened out. Her mom didn't. Right now, My mom has custody of Marisa because her other grandma wanted to fight me on it. But If I stay clean for a year, I'll get her custody. I'm determinded to."

"How is your mom and Katie?" Carlos asked. "I haven't seen them in forever."

"My mom is amazing. She's going to get remarried soon, and you'll never, ever, guess as to who" Kendall smiled.

"Tell me" Carlos said, biting his lip. He almost regretted this, he was giving in to the Kendall Knight charm to fast. The sad thing was, Kendall wasn't even flirting.

"Someone from the band days" Kendall hinted.

"Gustavo?" Carlos asked.

"Yeah, no. You know he and Kelly are married"

"Wayne Wayne, please don't say Wayne Wayne!"

"Nope. Griffin." Kendall grinned. "She's marrying Griffin"

Carlos felt his mouth drop open. "Oh my-why did Logan and James neglect to mention this?"

Kendall shrugged. "I don't know. But its true. They've been dating since last year. Griffin was the one, actually, who convinced me to go into Rehab. When I told them I got a girl pregnant, he sat me down real fast and told me I had to be responsible now, that child was depending on me. He told me how he might not act like it, but he really loves Mercedes and Mandy, and that's why he'll do anything for them. I realized right then that I needed to stop being selfish, and I haven't even thought about doing drugs since that day. I even had a friend offer me some, but I told her no way, that it was stupid and I was better than that"

Carlos smiled. "I can honestly say that that's admirable, Kendall, and so like the old you"

"The old me?"

"the one I fell in love with. The one who didn't leave" Carlos shook his head. "The one who would never want to leave in the first place"

Kendall sighed. "I'm sorry, Carlos. I don't even know why I left you that night. But I did. And It was stupid." He stood up. "I'm going to go get some yogurt." He said. "I'll be back in a minute."

Carlos leaned back and watched Kendall fix up some boring yogurt that would probably look like someone who worked at Pinkberry or Golden spoon would make. Kendall had always been rather meticulous about his food, especially at places like this. It had always driven Carlos insane. But he had to laugh at Kendall, counting out the chocolate chips. Kendall could be so Logan-like sometimes, without even realizing, that James and Carlos had always, since a young age, teased him. Carlos had missed watching Kendall be picky about frozen yogurt, almost more than he had missed Kendall holding him.

Kendall came back after paying and sat down. "Carlos, I don't blame you for hating my guts. I don't know what came over me, but I thought I needed freedom."

"Drugs aren't freedom, Kendall. They're an imprisonment." Carlos scolded.

Kendall smiled. "I know" he shrugged. "I was so stupid. I was dealing with way too much, from my parent's divorce, and the band and my grandma dying, that I just- I don't know. There wasn't an exuse, and I shouldn't have up and left you. I didn't even stop loving you. I think I love you more now then I did before I left, to be honest"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" Carlos muttered. "Kendall, you need to understand what it did to me. God, what it did to me. I became a shell for about 3 months, lying around, moping, until James told me that starving myself death wasn't a good way to get revenge on you. So I got into acting with James, he got me a small roll on his sitcom. I loved it, and now I'm going to auditions. I've been working my butt off, because honestly, it's the only thing that keeps me from going crazy." He shook his head, biting his lip and then looked down. "It nearly killed me, Kendall."

Kendall sighed. "I'm sorry, Carlos. I wish you knew that I'd never do that again. I learned my lesson." He said softly. "You're amazing, Carlos. There was so much about you that I can't find in anyone else."

Carlos bit his lip to keep from smiling and giggling like a schoolgirl. "Then why did you leave?"

"I've told you, I was so messed up. I shouldn't have left. I don't know what was going though my mind. There's no one near as great as you."

Carlos looked up. "I kind of want to move on"

"I wish I could forget about you and everything we had. But I can't, because I know you won't come after me. And that's the thing that hurts the most" Kendall sighed. "I broke your heart, Carlos, and I'm so stupid and I just want you back. I want to be able to call you mine. I miss you. I miss the way you smiled at me, and the different smiles. The after sex smile, the "Kendall just bought me a corndog" smile, the "Look at how lucky I am" smile, the smile you gave me when you wanted me to know you loved me. I miss the way you loved me. I miss you, Carlos. I want you. I never stopped wanting you, no matter how hard I tried."

Carlos took a deep breath. "I miss you. This last summer, was the hardest summer of my life, because we used to go to the beach and you'd think I was sunning with James, but really, James and I were checking you and Logan out. I miss the day after the beach, when you'd be so sunburned, and in so much pain, and I'd get the vinegar out, and help you get it on your back, and then we'd fall asleep." Carlos sighed. "I missed the barbeques and cookouts and cuddling up at night with the blanket and watching the stars. And then, when your birthday came, I wanted to call you. But I couldn't."

"I was in rehab on my birthday" Kendall sighed. "I missed that too. Especially your magic sunburn cure, because I still burn bad. And then fall came, and I missed how we'd go up to the pumpkin patch with James and Logan and you and James would argue over who had the sexiest pumpkin. And the one year, you came up to me and hugged me and said "Fine, you can have the sexiest pumpkin. I'll just have the sexiest boyfriend. You gave me so much, Carlos, and what did I give you? Nothing. I wish I could go back to the easier days."

Carlos sighed. "I do too. You want to know the one thing I miss most, and I've constantly missed? How you held me when I cried, even when we thought were both perfect straight, and my heart would get broken, you'd hunt me down and hold me. I never dreamt you'd make me cry"

"I swear, if you gave me a chance, I'd never leave." Kendall said. "So this is me swallowing my pride, Carlos. This is me telling you I was stupid and I can't live without you. This me saying I'm sorry. This is me asking for one more chance. This is me not being me. This is me saying that I don"t think I'd ever love anyone again."

Carlos stood up. "I can't Kendall. Give me a couple days to process all this. It's a lot to take in."

Kendall stood up. "That's okay. I'm just glad you agreed to talk to me. Can we at least be friends? I need you in my life."

Carlos nodded. "Of course, we're friends." Carlos said.

* * *

Logan looked up as Carlos and Kendall walked back into Target, laughing. He exchanged an ecstatic glance with James before putting his head on the shoulder. "Look, they worked it out" he said, noting the way Kendall was caressing Carlos's fingers.

James smiled. "Yeah." He sighed. "I'm glad things will go back to normal. And you know, having Carlos will keep Kendall clean" he mused.

Logan nodded. He hadn't ever really thought of that, but it was true. Kendall would put all his focus into making Carlos happy and getting custody of Marisa and making her life amazing. Logan wouldn't be surprised if drugs never crossed Kendall's mind again. The old Kendall was back, for sure.

The couple walked up, laughing about something.

James grinned. "So how'd it go?" he asked softly as Kendall pulled a chair out for Carlos, then sat down on the chair opposite Logan, wrapping an arm around Carlos's shoulders.

"We decided to just be friends" Carlos said, smiling up at Kendall.

"But we were talking on the walk over here" Kendall continued, matching Carlos's gaze.

"and we realized, that we needed to be together. So we through the just friends notion out the window. And we have a date on Saturday Night at 5"

"It's Saturday" James pointed out.

"and 2" Logan said.

Carlos nodded. "Which is why we have to go home so I can get ready and Kendall can pick me up and James can be cleaning his gun" he teased. "Although, I really don't want to leave you, Kendall"

Kendall leaned forward and kissed Carlos's forehead. "I'll see you at 5. I'm gonna bring you to my mom's house, though, she's been dying to make a home cooked meal for someone"

Carlos lit up even more "Really!"

"Yeah, and you can meet Marisa that way. I'm not telling them who I'm bringing home. God, my mom's gonna have a heart attack when I bring you home. She'll cry for sure" he said with a smile, standing up. "Thanks guys."

* * *

2 hours later found Kendall leading Carlos up the front steps of his Mom's house. He pulled out a key, unlocking the door, and walked in, glancing around. "Hey mom, I'm here" he called. Carlos moved behind him slightly to look at something, so when she came barreling around the corner, a spatula in her hand, she didn't see him.

"Kendall, where's your date?" she asked, glancing around.

Kendall grinned. "He's behind me." He said, reaching around and pulling Carlos into his arms. His mom let out a blood curdling scream, which brought Katie and Mercedes running, Katie from upstairs, Mercedes from the kitchen.

Griffin was less quick to follow, his daughter Mandy, who was 2 years younger than Katie, following him. "What on earth is going on, I was feeding the llama" Griffin barked. Kendall disregarded his soon to be step dad and gestured to Mandy.

"Amanda, this is my boyfriend, Carlos. I don't think you've met"

Mandy shook her head. "No. Mercedes, Mom, when's dinner"

Mercedes smiled. "About 5 minutes." She said with a smile. "Carlos, I'm so glad to see you here"

Carlos leaned into Kendall's chest. "She's nice. Why is she nice?"

"She's matured since we were 16. She's engaged to a man from North Carolina, Billy. He should come by tonight." Kendall explained.

Katie came forward. "I've missed you, Carlos"

"Missed you too, sweet Katie" Carlos muttered, pulling her into his arms. Sometimes, he reminded himself of his mother so much that it made him shudder. Katie noticed the movement and looked up.

"Are you cold?" she asked softly.

"No, I'm good. Just a little shiver" Carlos said, before shaking Griffin's hand.

"It's nice to meet you" Griffin said.

Carlos stared blankly. "Uh- we've met. I'm Carlos Garcia." He stuttered. "I was in Kendall's band." He reminded him.

"I don't remember you"

Katie rolled her eyes. "He was the one who kept running into things" she informed her mother's fiancé. "I'm gonna go swimming, Mandy, want to come?"

"Sure"

Kendall shook his head. "My family. " he sighed.

Ms. Knight wrapped Carlos in her arms. "I always knew you'd be back" she said with a laugh. "I knew he was bringing you, I just knew it, so I made your favorite cake for dessert"

Carlos's eyes widened as he turned back to Kendall. "Hey, Kendall, tomorrow, can we go to the mall?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure, why?"

"Because you're gonna propose to me or I'm marrying Katie or Mandy. I forgot how much I loved your mom."

Kendall laughed. "Carlos, I love you" he grinned, hugging him. "Come on, let's go scope out the kitchen"

"Oh, another one of my favorite pastimes!"

Kendall watched as Carlos hurried off. His mom turned to him. "He hasn't changed at all" she smiled.

Kendall smiled. "Yeah, but I'm glad. He's perfect exactly the way he is" he told her. "and I'm never gonna let him get away again" he said as they followed Carlos into the kitchen, which he has successfully sniffed out. "I just hope he realizes that's he's stuck with me"

His mom smiled. "You know, I don't think he minds" she mused.

Kendall smiled. "He doesn't mind at all. In fact, I'm under the impression he'd prefer it that way"

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A/N: Okay, I have no idea where the last bit came from. I just wanted to get her reaction and have Griffin because I never write Griffin and he's like, the most hilarious character of all of them in my opinion. and I like the idea of Mercedes maturing and become completely unselfish and sweet. I don't know. People change.

and why could I hear Carlos going "oh! Another one of my favorite pastimes" hahaha

and yeah, I don't know why Kendall did drugs. He was exploring himself I guess...but he seems like the type of man who would be screwed up and have a baby and straighten up...*shrugs* but I feel that I should disclaim that anything that you can become addicted too, drugs, alchohol, cigerettes, are not a good choice to make, and there are other, healthier options to deal with the world. Addictions don't just affect you, they affect everyone. and sex outside of marriage, esepcially when you can get pregnant from said sex, is not something I would reccomend or do.

and lastly, Carlos is adorable.

and Jagan! ohmygosh, it's basically cannnon now...hahhahaha...I love Mama Knight's reactions...(alllthough my fave was when Kendall made her run face first into a tree...I loled so hard)... Mama Knight just seems like a cool mom most of the time and she's not the cruddy disney parent who thinks her child is perfect- she knows perfectly well that Kendall's a little schemer and Katie's a little sneak...she's not stupid...

so keep an eye out for new chapters. I was gonna update TIBTO last night, but my boyfriend and best friend decided to take me to visit my mom's family in Newport Beach. So I had no computer access.

but I'm back!


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